Real parenting theories

Tips For Raising More Charitable Children

Feb 192013

By Alison Smith Co-Founder of ECHOage.com

Children become more charitable when they believe that their actions have impact. A few small, yet tangible ideas, put into action early on in life, can set the stage for a more charitably spirited and rewarding future.

1. Pass it On

Nothing is better than receiving a completely unexpected, delightful, surprise. Next time when you are at your favorite coffee shop with your kids, let the cashier know that you would like to buy the person behind you a cup of coffee or a muffin. No need to let them know. The cashier can let the person know that it was a gift from the person who just left. Your child will see how nice it feels to put a smile on an absolute stranger’s face.

2. Cookie Delivery

At some point in time, we all have friends who could use a hug or need a little lift. Why not bake cookies with your kids, have them draw a “happy” card and deliver an unexpected package to a friend’s doorstep. This act of kindness will allow you to have the compassion conversation. Being aware that grownups have feelings too helps kids to think outside of themselves and be more aware of the world around them.

3. Plant Seeds and Give Them Life

What could be better than watching a little garden grow (especially in the dead of winter?) Give your little ones a pot, some earth and seeds to water and nurture. Seeing the progress take shape before their very eyes shows kids that when they are patient and nurturing, beautiful things occur.

4. Allowance is for Sharing

One of my personal all time favorites is encouraging kids to give a small portion of their allowance away. Setting aside a small amount each week can quickly turn into to a sizable amount after a few short months. Together you and your child can discuss where that money can go. It begins the dialogue of giving and sets your child on an early path that places giving as a party in their everyday life.

Special Ed Students, Diversity & the Benefits of Inclusion

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Jan 132013

For orthopedic surgeon Sean Adelman – a father of three, including Dev, a high-school age daughter with Down syndrome – life lessons are not the exclusive province of the young.

“As a dad, I have often been reminded of the poet William Wordsworth and his line, ‘The child is father of the man,’ ” says Adelman, author of Sam’s Top Secret Journal(www.raiseexpectations.com), the first in a the first in a Nancy Drew-style children’s book series featuring a protagonist with Down syndrome.

“I think most parents have this experience that, while it’s our job to teach our children how to grow up and function in a society, we are constantly learning ourselves. They force us to rethink the basics as we help mold them into mature human beings.”

Of course, much of a child’s development is out of the hands of parents, he says. School and other social functions provide many first worldly experiences that are so important to developing students. And that makes diversity so important.

Various studies have shown that not only do those with learning challenges benefit from “inclusive education” – a movement that integrates special-ed students with non-special-ed students – but also the rest of the student body.

Adelman explores how inclusion benefits the entire student body:

• Empathic development: To a significant extent, society is a social contract among citizens. That means, at the very least, good behavior is required of individuals. At best, however, citizens recognize that we are social creatures who need each other, and the best way to a better society is to have empathy for our fellow human beings. During the 1990s, inclusion of special-ed students jumped from 48 percent to 70 percent, according to the U.S. Department of Education. Despite concerns at the time about teachers’ ability to attend to the needs of all their students in such classes, a Zigmond and Baker study showed teachers did not lose their effectiveness. The famous study also showed that the students treated each other better in general. Children learn that everyone needs help from time to time, and it’s as gratifying to provide it as to receive it.

• Diversity and the real world: Children who attend inclusive schools, where all children are mainstreamed, are better able to navigate the complexities of our diverse adult society. Students with and without special needs benefit from exposure to classmates who face different life circumstances. Studies from the National Center for Special Education Research, among others from throughout the world, support claims of mutual benefit from special-ed and non-special-ed students with integration. For a well-rounded character and personality, young people need to be exposed to the many faces of humanity in terms of race, economic background and those with special needs. In addition to this personal edification, a professional career demands social grace and comfort in a diverse work environment.

• The meaning of friendship: Children need to develop social skills and to know how to create and sustain meaningful friendships for a healthy adult life. We may lose wealth, youth, health, and spouses. Friends, however, are often the most reliable emotional resource in life. Friends must learn to accept one another’s limitations and flaws, and to complement one another’s weaknesses by contributing their strengths. Friends also quickly learn that superficial differences are far less important than shared values, trust and humor.

About Sean Adelman

Sean Adelman is a practicing orthopedic surgeon and advocate for exceptional kids in Seattle. He and his wife, Susan, have three children. Adelman wrote the “Sam’s Top Secret Journal” series to show the similarities the protagonist shares with other children, and to explore how differently-abled individuals benefit society.

‘The Hobbit’ Illustrates Value of Adventure Tales for Pre-Teens

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Jan 132013

It’s only appropriate that fantastical genres of storytelling are often geared toward preadolescents, says writer Elayne James.

“It’s an extremely impressionable time, with the wonder of childhood firmly established and a dramatic transformation about to take place,” says James, author of “Destiny’s Call,” the first installment of the fantasy series “The LightBridge Legacy,” (www.lightbridgelegacy.com).

It’s also not surprising that the “Lord of the Rings” movie trilogy from 2001 to 2003 was one of the most successful in film history – and that fans were eagerly anticipating director Peter Jackson’s return to Middle Earth on Dec. 14 with the release of “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey,” she says.

In addition to being masterfully interpreted on the big screen, many of us were attached to the story from the books, which are often introduced during the middle school years. The narratives and personal experiences we have during preadolescence tend to stay with us more than those from other phases of life.

Researchers frequently cite pediatric neuroimaging studies, which show that during the ages of 11 and 12 our brain development is at a fundamental stage. A four-month journey across America at that age left an indelible impression on James. The trip culminated in New York City which became the launching point for the “Tolkien-esque” adventure in her most recent novel.

“Think about what you were learning at that age, your interests, the dreams of who you might someday become, all taking shape as your sense of self comes slowly into focus. Those things you loved as a child, whether it be drawing or basketball, music or dance, will likely be what brings you back to yourself later in life.”

James says there’s much to value about pre-teens experiencing narratives like “The Hobbit”:

• Preparation and a sense of identity: In “The Hobbit,” the prequel to J.R.R. Tolkien’s famous trilogy, Bilbo Baggins is the protagonist on a quest for treasure. Throughout his journey, he grows and matures, learning to accept the various aspects of his personality, including those that are less appealing. He must be brave at times, and rely on his common sense at other times. This is the journey pre-teens face when entering adolescence, and discussing it with them through the prism of Bilbo Baggins can be a wonderful teaching moment (as well as a potentially entertaining conversation).

• Puberty, the universal “adventure: ” Everyone must endure that first plunge of major physical transformation with puberty. As the body is flooded with adult hormones, adolescents must rely on their still-developing young minds to deal with mature situations. This can be a difficult, even frightening, time and, of course, kids are never the same after puberty. Baggins’ ordeals show children that high adventure (including puberty!) and the most important experiences in life, leave us forever changed. There may be frightening moments, times they grieve what they’re leaving behind, but ultimately, the journey is rewarding.

• There and Back Again … This is not only the expanded title of Tolkien’s “The Hobbit,” it is also a reoccurring theme in James’ career as a writer. After reading “The Hobbit” at age 11 and chronicling her own adventures across America a year later, she decided to create her own stories. “Without Tolkien’s invitation to Middle Earth,” she says, “I might have followed a very different path. Tolkien made me view my own life as an adventure and I believed that I, like the unassuming, shy little Hobbit, could succeed, even against all odds.” Returning to New York as an adult, and as an author, she claims, brought her journey full circle.

“What occurs during adolescence stays with you,” says James, “so it’s important to make sure children are exposed to positive stories and experiences.”

About Elayne James

Elayne James started her writing career at age 11 – after she read “The Hobbit” by J.R.R. Tolkien and discovered she wanted to spend her life creating worlds. In addition to being a lifelong writer, she has been a singer/songwriter, sound effects specialist, a video editor, a playwright, a theatrical lighting designer, a graphic artist and a professional photographer. She lives by the Pacific Ocean in Southern California.

COO Advocates Values-in-Action Courses for All Students

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Sep 252012

It seems every time we turn around, another financial giant is accused of lying, cheating and stealing.

It’s not your imagination, says Rakesh Malhotra, a longtime COO who has worked in Asia, East Europe and United States and led cross-cultural diverse teams.

“White-collar crime convictions in the United States alone have increased 17.8 percent in the last five years alone,” he says. “Last year, the Securities Exchange Commission filed a record 735 enforcement actions.”

And it’s not just hedge fund operators and money traders. White-collar crimes include identity theft, cheating on taxes, health-care fraud – crimes as readily committed by employees at the local big-box store as suits in penthouse offices.

“The problem is one of values,” says Malhotra, author of Adventures of Tornado Kid: Whirling Back Home Towards Timeless Values (www.FiveGlobalValues.com). “I have worked in several countries, recruiting, hiring, training and retaining employees. I found that in every culture, the same core values play a key role in the success of both employees and the corporation.

“Unfortunately, they are not taught in school – not in grade school or in most business schools. While we would benefit from having values taught at all age levels, for now they are learned mostly from parents, mentors, inspiring teachers and others who shape young lives.”

It’s as important for the business to have what Malhotra has identified as five essential global values as it is for the employees, he says.

“The business has to show that these ethics are implemented and acted upon. Otherwise, the employee with values, the one instructed to, say, lie about a product, will feel secure about reporting such conduct without being fired.”

What are these values and how can they be taught?

• Responsibility: There is nothing more fundamental to being an adult in our society than accountability. Parents can create cause-and-effect circumstances, such as letting a teen borrow the car provided they put gas in it. Breaking such a pact though, because of a bad grade in school, creates a mixed message. When children learn responsibility, they know that happiness comes from doing the right thing.

• Compassion: It’s not just a term for being nice; compassion is a form of intelligence – an empathetic ability to see a situation through another’s eyes and to feel what another person feels. When adults are compassionate, they reach out to help others because they can feel others’ pain – and the relief and gratitude of help, sympathy or encouragement.

• Integrity: Integrity is the glue that holds together all of the values. When given an option to stray from our values, such as lying for the sake of convenience, integrity is there to hold us accountable.

• Peace: Our ability to manage conflicts amicably is a direct result of a peaceful mind and attitude. Those who value peace view anger, jealousy and hostility as the barriers to communication that they are. In all settings, business and domestic, conflicts will arise – it is inevitable. We must work through these peacefully if we are to move forward.

• Love: You must love what you do, passionately. Do your work and your organization in some way contribute to the welfare of people? That is the reason for your passion. With love, you contribute to the greater good and feel gratified.

About Rakesh Malhotra

Rakesh Malhotra has worked in, lived in or traveled to more than 40 countries. During this time, he studied human behavior in relation to core values as a means hire, promote and manage effectively. He has focused on what influences performance and what makes some employees perform at a higher level than others. Malhotra holds a master’s in Public Administration and several diplomas in business education.

The Evolution of a Parent

Real parenting theories 1 Response »

Nov 162011

So we have established that people change. If this is not established in your mind, take it and believe it. Everybody changes, whether they want to or not. The only question is whether you will allow healthy growth or painfully resist but one way or another change will occur. Knowing this, what do you do about it? As a parent, how does this come into play?

The role of change and parenting is something that we can speak about with authority. We are the parents of an 18 year old daughter, a 7 year old son, and a 4 year old son. Our daughter did not have the same parents as our 4 year old. Sure, their parents were the same in genetic structure but not in psyche. Our daughter’s parents were paranoid, constantly waiting for the boogie man that would tear apart our happy home. And, of course, she has special needs which only confirmed that at any moment God would reach down to smite us when we least expected it. Therefore we always expected it. That will teach the Big Guy not to mess with us.

By the time the boys came around our relationship with God and reality had mellowed a bit. God is on our side, the boys are armor plated, and we have learned to keep our worries in check. Obviously the only thing in this scenario that has changed is us. The Big Man has stayed pretty constant and there is no new indestructability technology that is protecting the boys. (But it would be cool if there was. Like an Iron Man suit or something.)

The important part of this change in parenting is the acknowledgement that we have and are constantly changing as parents. Nothing good can come from pretending that the same rules and beliefs that we had with our daughter still have to apply to our boys. Nor will it work to assume that the same relationship we had with our daughter a year ago applies to now. This weekend, our daughter will come home from college for the first time and spend Thanksgiving with us. Last time she was at home, she was dependent and ‘under our roof’ with all of the poopoo that comes with it. But she has changed and our relationship has to change with her. The first step in creating this evolution is to acknowledge that it is happening.

This evolution continues all through our lives. Even in our 40’s, our relationships with our own parent’s changes for better or worse. As things out of our control influence us and force change, the threads of relationship bend and flex to accommodate the changes. A parent or child becomes ill and we change. If they get better then we must evolve the relationship. If they do not then we still must evolve the relationship.

Changes in the body, alterations in hormone levels, and the human experience flowing through Erikson’s developmental stages are not just confined to specific areas or times in our lives. They do not solely belong to adolescents and menopause. They are not confined to birth and end of life. We change every day. We evolve constantly. With every blink of the eye, we have a new opportunity, a new responsibility, to create something wonderful in our relationships.

Attachment Parenting

Real parenting theories, Topics 14 Responses »

Aug 292010

Excuses for bad parenting: 1) Well, it isn’t like they came with a manual. 2) You need a license to fish but anyone can be a parent. 3) Ever since they made it illegal to spank, parents aren’t allowed to parent. People say this all the time when they are in parenting classes. It’s like we have decided that since we are ill prepared for parenting that we should not be held responsible for what we do as parents. Then you have the converse who feels that parenting is a full time job which must be approached like containing a nuclear spill with a baby strapped to their chest. Is attachment that important?

I use to teach parenting classes. I use to counsel parents who abused their kids. I have worked as an emergency response worker for the Department of Children and Families. I have reported abuse more times than I can remember and I have convinced women to give up their parental rights. In the world of parenting, I have seen the dark side, have waded in their pool and am happy to report that I have come out with only a few scars and some idea of what not to do as a parent.

Attachment is the ‘it theory’ of parenting right now. As defined in the psychological sense, attachment theory says that a child must develop a psychological and emotional attachment to one of their primary caregivers to develop normally. Therapists have seen that people who fail to form attachments while infants are predisposed to mental illness starting as young as early adolescence. However, as with most forms of parenting theory, there is little in the way of experimentation or studies proving the efficacy of Attachment Parenting.

Attachment Parenting espouses the 7 Bs- 1)Birth bonding- they propose having a non-medicated birth experience, 2) Breastfeeding, 3) Babywearing- that’s right, slinging the baby to help them transition and keeping the baby calm, 4)Bedding close to Baby- co-sleeping to help facilitate breastfeeding and help decrease separation anxiety for the child, 5) Belief in the Language Value of your Baby’s Cry- responding to your child’s cry will help to build trust between baby and you, 6) Beware of Baby Trainers- eschew any advice that tells you to place baby on schedules or cry it out; these are only means to separate you and your baby, 7) Balance- don’t forget to take care of yourself.

The 7 Bs seem pretty straight forward. So what’s my problem with it? Nothing, really. The theory warns people from being to pedantic when it comes to this theory. It tells people that you must do what is right for you and your family. This is why the final B was added to the mix. However, people aren’t like that. If we know anything about human nature, it is that we believe that what we are doing is right. We believe that our opinion is something we garnered from a burning bush and should be carved in stone. Therefore, Attachment Parenting parents tend to be the yahoos who condemn those who do not co-sleep or have to put their kids in day care at an early age. That’s right, technically these would be the fanatical Attachment Parenting parents.

I’ll be honest, I did not practice co-sleeping. I am a poor sleeper and having the babies next to me made it near impossible to get even a few hours of sleep in a row. Any noise, hiccup or sigh was enough to check them. As for breastfeeding, the last two kids had issues. One had an attached frenulum which made the suck questionable and with the last one, I had PPD making the breastfeeding something of a burden on me since I was already losing my mind. I also think it is important to build boundaries with our children to avoid enmeshment (unclear boundaries within relationships). The parents who practice this must know when to hold them and when to let them go. This depends so much on the parent’s mental health that the possibilities of mental health issues from too much attachment are very possible as well.

I think, in the end, we must do what feels natural to us. It always behooves us to work on our own issues before we pass them to our kids in one form or another. It is important to live our lives not only as parents but as men and women with needs. And we should always avoid any absolutes in parenting. Except for the whole feeding, changing, hugging and loving your baby; that part is always important.

Lee is the co-author of CoupleDumb and you can reach her at lee@parentdumb.com

Is my child normal?

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Jul 272010

If you are a parent, or know a little child, how many times have you asked yourself, “Is that normal?” Barring those hair-raising “crisis” moments when children put beans, or similar paraphernalia, up their nose, (by the way, that is quite normal), is this a question that you seem to have? If so, welcome to parenthood. Being a School Psychologist, this is a question that I get a lot. For example, parents will ask me, “Is it normal that my 4 year old isn’t talking much? My child’s pediatrician says it’s normal.” If you doubt your own pediatrician then I applaud you, for it is not “normal” for a 4 year old not to be speaking. By the age of 4 years, children are having conversations with you. By that I mean a conversation of at least 3 or 4 turn taking exchanges, i.e. he asks a question, you answer, he explores your answer with another question or makes a comment, you respond to the comment or ask a question. Your 4 year old child should be asking “why” and “how” questions, and “who” and “where” questions. But I digress.

Development is pretty much the same all over the globe. Children learn to smile at around 3 to 4 weeks of age, begin to roll over at age 3 to 4 months, etc. This is true here in the US, as it is deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle. Therefore, we already have a set of behaviors that developmental professionals have deemed “normal”. It’s just “normal” because it happens consistently over and over again at the same age(s). Of course, you will have children that achieve their milestones quicker than others; we may refer to those children as “advanced”. Conversely, those that don’t achieve those milestones in a timely fashion, we refer to as “delayed”. Many books and articles have been written on the subject of development and with so much information available on the internet, there is no reason to be in the dark about your child’s growth.

I can give you specifics on development but that would take more time. Instead, here are some tips to follow:

TRUST YOURSELF. If you have doubts about your child’s development, no matter what anyone says, search for answers. The sooner you get support and help for your toddler, the sooner she learns and develops “normally”.
PAY ATTENTION. If you feel your child is not acquiring his developmental milestones fast enough, or when you compare him to your other children and he is not keeping par that is a good time to talk to professionals in child development.
FIND RESOURCES. Contact your nearest developmental center, usually run by your school district. These places usually have a diagnostic center where they can do developmental screenings and that may be all you need to put your worries to rest. If more testing is needed, and yes, we do evaluate little ones, 5 and under, then a full evaluation will take place that helps determine the levels your child is at and if there are any delays that need remediation.
BE HONEST. Be honest with the professionals asking you questions about your child. This is not a contest and she is not competing for points. Do not make her sound better than she is just to make you feel better or worse than she is to get her help. Reliable reporting is critical because the professionals working with her will only be able to make an accurate diagnosis with valid information. Now, if you don’t trust the person giving you the diagnosis on your child, seek out the one that you trust in your gut really “gets” your child. Here’s a clue. A good Child Psychologist can figure your child out pretty quickly. You can see that when they develop rapport with your child. If they can do that and your child feels good with them, then that is someone you can trust.

Don’t give up hope. You will find the answers you seek about your child. When you find that person with the answers that make sense to you as the parent, remember their name and use them as a resource throughout your child’s life. Let them be your “Go To Person” when you have questions or concerns.

Aida Reyes is a Licensed School Psychologist who can be contacted through her website www.PhoenixHealing.org or at AidaR@parentdumb.com.

Here comes the parenting

Real parenting theories 6 Responses »

Jul 262010

As I watch my one and one half year old try to make a knock knock joke I can’t help but think were she gets her sense of humor. She is only one but thinks that she is much older. She is always laughing and trying to make others laugh. It amazes me to see her growing up and developing her own personality. I also can’t help but think how can I make sure that she does not loose her sense of humor in this world. Yes, we all have those thoughts. I use to feel as if I was so ready for parenthood; after all I am a clinical social worker that has been working with children of all ages since I graduated college in 1998, so how could I not be ready. I would help parents raise there children and through the years had enormous success.

Then five years ago, I met my husband that already had a daughter. No problem, I was ready. I have to let you know I am a Miami native of Cuban- Costa Rican decent. I was raised by my parents, my father is a doctor and my mother was a stay at home mom. They were very protective of their four girls. So when I met my American husband with a daughter, my life was not going to go the way I thought it was going to be. I began my role as a step- mother, and oh boy was I in for a shock. Not all the degrees in the world could prepare me for parenthood. Then to make my life even more exciting I was blessed with my two little angels that are now 2 years old and 1 year old (yes 13 months apart). Becoming a step- mother and then a mother has changed my life completely. As a therapist, I now am more understanding of parents. As a parent, I use all the knowledge that I have gained through the years to help me raise my three children. Through everything, I have realized that no one is really ready for parenthood.

So here is a little about me, my name is Sylvia Sarkarati and I graduated with my Bachelors degree in Social Work in December 1998 and with a masters degree is Social Work from Florida International University in April 2000. I have been trained as a crisis counselor through the National Organization for Victims Assistance (NOVA), and I am also a certified hypnotherapist. I have worked as a school social worker and school guidance counselor for the majority of professional career. As a side job I have worked doing psychotherapy for several different agencies in Miami and now starting up my private practice. As part of my practice, I also give online psychotherapy. As a mother and a therapist, my life never has a dull moment.

I will be writing about my life as a mother and therapist. Hope you enjoy it.

You can visits Sylvia’s website at www.smarttherapy.org